Daily Mirror (Northern Ireland)
I’VE STOPPED FANCYING MY PARTNER
Channel 4, 10pm
Dear Coleen
What do you do when you stop fancying your partner? I’ve been with mine for 15 years – we got together when we were just 20 and we have two young children.
I love him and I always say he’s my best mate, but lately I’m just not sexually attracted to him and everything he does annoys me.
I’m panicking that it’s over for us because I can’t stand him being close to me and he’s started to notice there’s a problem.
Can you get those feelings back or is that it?
Coleen says
I think you can, especially if these feelings are recent, but you have to work on it. You can’t expect things to just work themselves out – any relationship needs nurturing.
You might have hit a rut, especially in lockdown, and the spark has fizzled out. In long-term relationships you do get peaks and troughs when it comes to sex and probably especially so if you got together when you were young.
If he has noticed, then it’s time for a chat. Obviously, don’t say: “I don’t fancy you” because that’s heartbreaking and soul destroying for anyone, but talk about ways to reconnect romantically and sexually, and then see how you feel. Sometimes you have to force yourself to remember all those times over the years when you did look at him and think: “Wow, you’re so attractive”, or look through an old photo album.
I wouldn’t just give up on your relationship at the first sign of a problem. You’re only 35, so of course the physical side of things is important, but you’ve also built a deeper bond. You could meet someone tomorrow who sets you on fire sexually, but brings nothing else to the table. Good relationships need to be based on more than just sex.
Also, try to work out why you’re having these feelings.
Is he not making the most of himself, or is he taking you for granted or not helping out enough at home, so you feel resentful?
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