Ex-husband and in-laws are useless with my young son

Dear Coleen

I split up with my first husband nearly 10 years ago – he went off the rails in a big way and I couldn’t cope with the stress and drama.

He was completely unreliable and when our son was a baby, he’d often come home drunk after a night out and either trash the place or fall asleep on the floor.

To cut a long story short, I ended the relationship and he promised to still be there for his son, which didn’t happen. My son is 12 now and barely hears from him.

My former in-laws also promised to support my son and stay in his life but failed too. They’ve plenty of cash but hardly ever send birthday or Christmas gifts and never call or send a letter.

I feel so upset for my son that his father and his family have let him down so badly. Sometimes I’m consumed with rage, but I don’t know what to do with it all.

I’ve remarried and have a young daughter and my husband is a wonderful stepdad to my son, but I feel he deserves more from his other family. Should I try to do something about the situation or just move on?

Coleen says

I think you should try to stay focused on looking forward and on enjoying the lovely life you have now.

You made a good decision for yourself and your son when you left your first marriage, but you can’t make your ex or your in-laws engage. And, honestly, there’s no point unless it’s genuine and from the heart.

I don’t know why your ex’s family has disengaged – maybe guilt, misguided loyalty to their son or maybe they’ve left it so long, they don’t know how to build the bridge back. They might have issues you know nothing about.

For you, I think it’s important to leave the door open for your son in terms of reconnecting with his dad. I accept this will be hard at times when you feel angry and want to say how you really feel.

But the change might come from your son in a few years when he’s older – maybe he’ll take the initiative and get in touch with his dad and grandparents and it’ll be the start of something positive or provide some closure.

In the meantime, answer your son’s questions as honestly as you can and make sure he knows you support him and love him unconditionally.

“

They have plenty of cash but hardly ever send gifts