Boyfriend’s mate is so lovely, I think I want him instead

I’m a woman in my 20s and I live in a flatshare with my boyfriend and his best friend from school. It was meant to be a short-term thing while my boyfriend and I saved up for a deposit to buy our own place. His friend, who’s single, was happy to rent a flat with friends rather than strangers too.

The arrangement has worked really well for all of us. My boyfriend often works late and sometimes does night shifts, so having his mate around has been good company for me.

We often have dinner together and watch a film when my boyfriend is at work and I’ve got to know him much better.

My dilemma is, he came home last week and told us he was moving out.

His older brother has bought somewhere and he plans to rent a room in his house because it’s nearer to work and his family.

When he told us, I was really shocked by how I felt – like bursting into tears. My boyfriend was really happy for him and said he’d start looking for another flatmate.

When I went to bed that night, all I kept thinking was how much I’d miss this guy. We’ve become really close and I’m wondering if I’ve developed romantic feelings for him. I get so upset every time I think about him not being here.

Now I’m confused and don’t know whether I should carry on planning stuff with my boyfriend, like buying a place with him. Please help.

Coleen says

First of all, don’t panic. You don’t say how you feel about your boyfriend and whether that relationship is strong, but maybe those are the questions you need to be asking yourself.

In terms of plans, I wouldn’t do anything big like buying a flat or getting engaged until you’re sure about how you feel.

It’s probably hard to get clarity on that while this guy is still living with you.

Maybe once he moves out things will become clearer. You’ll either realise that it was only this guy’s friendship and companionship you were going to miss or that you do have deeper feelings for him.

But he’s not just any guy, he’s your boyfriend’s best mate – someone he’s known since childhood. So getting into a relationship with him, even if you do everything above board, is a bad idea.

You don’t know if he likes you in that way or if he’d be willing to jeopardise his friendship with your boyfriend.

So, my advice is, work out how you feel about your relationship and if you’re having doubts and decide to walk away, then let your boyfriend know and do it.

But I don’t think it’s a good idea to move on with his mate.