Daily Mirror (Northern Ireland)
Navigating party season while sober
For those learning to party without a prosecco, Christmas is a particularly challenging time. Here sobriety coach Kate Baily says you can still enjoy festive fun without booze
When helping people on their sober journey, I’ve found Cinderella is a brilliant metaphor to help them get their sparkle on without turning into a drunken pumpkin at midnight.
You can go to the ball – just be home by midnight (or 10pm if you want)
Most of us ignore our social window of tolerance and use alcohol to push on through to stay at a party longer than we want. Or we shy away from events entirely because they seem overwhelming or we worry we will be triggered to drink.
But maybe it’s just that your internal clock has chimed and you’re still trying to party after the fairy godmother’s magic has disappeared.
Take a note of how you’re feeling and don’t stay one minute beyond your comfort zone. Have your carriage waiting and head off.
Get a glow-up
When I’m socialising sober, I like to go all out: nails done, new outfit, hair looking fab. A great outfit will do wonders for your confidence, even if it isn’t a ballgown and glass slippers.
When you think of the money you save on booze, you can treat yourself a little – you’re sober, you deserve it. It’s your time to shine, not shy away.
Get set to shine
There is huge power in planning. What will you wear? Who will you talk to and what about? What will you drink? What will you be proud of ? How will you feel in the morning having bossed it?
Spoiler: you’ll wake with a massive Cheshire cat smile and sense of achievement. And did you know that if you walk through the steps of doing something in your mind, your brain doesn’t entirely differentiate between the thought process and actually having physically done it.
So think about having a successful sober night out and let your mind take it as evidence that you can have an amazing time without going mad on alcohol.
Dance with decorum
As a wise fairy godmother once said to me: “You can go to the party, you don’t have to be the party”.
In the past, a lot of my socialising was spent either controlling my drinking – being on edge, not having fun, obsessing over when it was acceptable to head back up to the bar yet) or being other people’s entertainment – the one who can be the “crazy party girl” who is “such a laugh when she’s drunk”.
In the moment, this made me feel like I had worth – they thought I was good craic. But where were they at 4am when I woke with post-drinking dread, or when I was being sick or saying I wanted to have a break from booze? Why was I outsourcing my self-esteem to give someone a laugh, when internally I was suffering?
You can take enormous pride in going to a party and not doing anything that embarrasses you. Who needs fickle friends anyway?
Keep your special people around you
Our Cinders had her little mice friends with her. You, in turn, can have your community with you. Maybe you wear a bracelet that reminds you of milestones.
My sober friends and I often say to each other: “I will have you in my pocket”, as we know if it all gets too much we can escape to the loo, log in to a support group and reach out.
It’s amazing to know that, 24/7, somewhere around the world someone will pick that message up and reply: “I have got you, what do you need?”
Love Your Sober Year by Kate Baily and Mandy Manners (£14.99, Welbeck) is out now. Visit lovesober.com for courses and coaching.