POLLYOMETER

Going up... Father knows best Do you want fame? Well how about paying – not in sweat, in money – to learn how to get it, from BEYONCE!!!…’s dad? Mathew Knowles is holding a one-day workshop in Houston, Texas, called The Entertainment Industry: How do I get in?

Tickets range from £65 to £200 for the VIP package, which includes lunch with BEYONCE!!!…’s dad. Showbiz wannabes who take this option, it’s probably best to keep the chat to how he used to be Destiny’s Child’s manager, rather than about how he was sacked by his own daughter. Meatballs to that Everyone wants their Tinder profile pics to show what a successful, tasteful catch they are, but what if your own home isn’t quite… on message? Easy – follow these enterprising young men’s lead and go to IKEA and pose in their set-up rooms instead. OK, strictly speaking it’s not entirely honest, but hello, it’s internet dating. Also, any girl who doesn’t notice the huge, laminated price tags hanging off everything in sight probably deserves everything she gets. Going down... Juice have to be kidding me If there’s anything worse than people on juice fasts it’s people on juice fasts trying to make it seem like juice fasts are fun… so grrrrrr to the annoying New Yorkers currently stumping up $15-$50 a pop for Juice Crawls around the city. Yeah, because who needs a pub crawl when you can drink your own (rapidly decreasing*) body weight in wheatgrass and ginger, eh?

*Until you start eating food again, that is. Leaf it out It feels like nowadays you can buy anything and everything online – because you can. Website ShipFoliage. com will send you literally three leaves in the post for a tenner plus shipping. Their ‘foliage experts’ “sift and filter through our inventory, hand selecting only ‘Grade A’ specimens.” Brilliant. Because leaves are so hard to get hold of – they don’t grow on trees, you know. Oh, and if you’re short of snow, don’t panic. The same company will sell you that too, on sister site ShipSnowYo.com.p