As scientists announce the ketchup problem is solved, we say
The population of this country is increasing rapidly every year, which only means one thing – it’s going to be even harder to find a parking space in the future than it is now.
The invention that would improve all our lives is a car that folds up small enough to fit in your pocket.
You would drive to your destination and then be done with it, rather than driving round cursing yourself for not taking the bus. This invention would also help curb drink driving. Self-polishing shoes would be a great step forward.
You feel a heel if there isn’t a tin and brush of the right colour in the cupboard. And what a strain on creaking knees to crouch and put your sole into a dirty job.
The result is scruffy footwear except for interviews and weddings.
Self-cleaning shoes would be a great blow for equality. If you can tell a man – or woman – by his or her shoes, then we’d all be shining examples. Inventions needed to cheer up the world include beer that makes you slimmer, cigarettes that make you healthier, laziness that makes you wealthier and a mute button to make 52 per cent of people shut up. But I’ll go for teleporting – to make completely obsolete all airports, airport security, unnaturally upbeat air stewards, Virgin trains, Virgin hot-air balloons, Virgin space travel, Top Gear, Chris Evans, Jeremy Clarkson, all other motoring writers, car salesmen, mechanics, xenophobic taxi drivers, roadworks, traffic wardens, speed cameras, traffic police, motorcyclists and service stations where you cannot buy a normal-sized packet of crisps. Let’s call it the Yobbometer – a scientifically-designed device with the power to switch off loud music played in cars driven around with the window down. It looks a bit like a TV remote control, slips easily back into the pocket to avoid detection, and has the power to silence pop music noise at 50 paces.
The dumb looks on the faces of offending youths (and sometimes women) at the wheel would give immense, discreet satisfaction to the user.
Yobbometers are a must-have summer gadget for over-60’s.