POLLYOMETER

Going up...

Bling Ring Cats. Front view: cutie pie – back view: TMI. Unfortunately they remain steadfastly unaware of this, instead believing it’s their best side and presenting it to their people constantly. Now there’s a way to deal with this without hurting their feelings – Twinkle Tush. Essentially a tail necklace, the jewel hides exactly what makes you feel sick. You could also buy two for yourself and put them over your eyes whenever Donald Trump’s on telly.

Going down...

No giraffing matter Giraffes are “undergoing a silent extinction”, which seems like the saddest way to stop existing of all. The co-chairman of The International Union for Conservation of Nature and Natural Resources’ Giraffe Specialist Group says we need “to stick our neck out for them before it is too late.” Then someone behind him did a drum-roll before hitting a cymbal, presumably.

Sweet FA The Football Association plans to get girls into the sport by using pink whistles in matches, incorporating a Twitter break into the 90 minutes and giving them pretty bibs that “smell nice”. They’ll also offer incentives like pocket mirrors and pink gloves. Anyone who is the wife of a bloke involved in this idea should be allowed to give their marriage a red card, ie be magically granted an immediate divorce.