Vic’s Posh plan to re-brand Beckham
She likes cricket, so get David to retrain as that
IT’S not been the greatest week for Brand Beckham, and we can only imagine what’s going on inside Victoria’s head at the moment...
If you’d have told me he’d be this bad for business when we were negotiating our merger back in 1999, I might have thought twice.
The board has been in crisis talks. Shareholders are nervous. But we can come back from this even stronger. And my new LVB monogrammed notepaper is nonreturnable, so our goal remains the same. It’s been drummed into everyone’s head since my start-up days – “Easy V, she’s a real lady” was no accident, you know. You’ve got to speculate to accumulate. And Brand Beckham always accumulates. So there will be no golden handshake for Goldenballs. Sir David will arise to fight another day.
We need strong leadership and clear thinking through this testing period. As CEO, the responsibility lies on my shoulders, resting on whatever piece of cutting edge fashion I happen to be wearing in this metaphor. So I’ve done a bit of blue-sky thinking, and come up with a nine-point action plan:
1Launch charm offensive towards the Prime Minister (note to self: find out her name.) She’s bound to have some sway with Liz, as I’ll be calling her when, when, WHEN (positive visualisation) I’m Lady Victoria. Apparently she likes cricket,
2Repair public image with loads more adorable photos of David and Harper. Also, as a minority stockholder it should be pointed out to her that the odd home-made ‘Best Daddy Ever’ card wouldn’t go amiss. Ensure she uses non-reflective paint or it won’t Instagram well, ie will be totally useless.
3Hire Paul McKenna to hypnotise the entire country, including the Royal Family, into forgetting this scandal ever happened. Might be tricky to get everyone in one place at the same time but we can brainstorm details later.
4Everyone keeps saying Donald Trump is the most powerful man in the world – so he must be able to get us knighted. David’s had every other hairstyle, he would have got around to a Trump at some point. We need to make that point now. Imitation is flattery and all that.
5Persuade every other fashion designer and retailer in the world to immediately cease and desist, so unless the Queen wants to be naked all the time, she has to ask for some clothes from my line. Obviously I will only be too happy to help, on just one teensy condition…
6Offer the Queen Cruz... if he marries Charlotte a dynasty will be created (particularly if Cruz’s dad was, say, knighted) plus their Brangelina name would be Chaz, which is amazeballs. (Obviously if she’d prefer to have our literal first born, that’s fine too – although Chaklyn doesn’t have the same ring to it in my humble opinion.)
7Send the Queen a subliminal message by persuading Game of Thrones – thrones, see? – to create a new character called Ser David, who is impressive, admirable and never calls anyone c***s.
8I mean, can’t we just buy a knighthood? We must be able to. We get everything else we want. I know David’s not keen on stumping up for much, but surely he wouldn’t mind in this case…
9If all else fails, we can just change our names by deed poll to Sir David and Lady Victoria. Then everyone will have to call us that so ner ner ner ner ner. Not ideal, admittedly, but at least the records will show that we won.