Can I repair my marriage after 58 years together?
Dear Coleen
I have been married to my husband for 58 years and we had a good life together until about five or six years ago when we started arguing.
Although upsetting, things always cooled down quite quickly and peace was restored. But over the past three years, things have been unbearable with constant rows and longer periods before things return to normal.
I’m losing confidence that we can regain the happy relationship we once had. I realised I felt this way because he has never given me any moral support throughout our married life and the more rows we have, the harder that is to bear. Now I am struggling to know what to do for the best.
He says my temper is the problem. But it is frustration rather than anger and that’s because whenever he asks me to tell him where he’s going wrong, instead of reflecting on what I’ve said, he just comes up with excuses – it’s never his fault, only mine.
On our GPs advice, I arranged counselling for both of us, as well as having two counselling sessions on my own, but even that hasn’t helped. I’m no saint, but I can hold my hands up if I’ve done or said something wrong.
I’m well aware people can only try to change themselves – and I’ve tried to change myself for the better.
Coleen says
You change so much as a person over a lifetime, so things you might have put up with 20 years ago might become unbearable.
But after 58 years together there has to be a lot between you to hang on
to and I don’t think it’s ever too late to sort it out if you’re struggling to communicate.
I think your idea of counselling is a good one – there’s nothing better than having a mediator, so you get to speak and listen with someone there who’s not emotionally involved.
So I’d say stick at counselling – two sessions aren’t enough – you can’t fix three years of pain in that short a time.
When my first marriage was on the rocks, I went every week for six months and it was the best thing I ever did, but you have to be open to it.
It’s not a miracle cure because it still comes down to the two of you to engage with it, but I really wouldn’t throw in the towel so quickly.
And if your husband decides he doesn’t want to go, then you should keep going. It might help you to find a way forward or a way out, as it did for me.