I love him but don’t want more than kiss and cuddle

Dear Coleen

I’m in my second serious relationship. My previous one lasted a year and we lost our virginity to one another. He always wanted sex more than I did.

I’m now with someone who has had five sexual partners. He enjoys sex a lot and wants it daily, but I could go weeks without it. He says he doesn’t want to pressure me, but he keeps making snide comments about our sex life.

I’m not very experienced, so there are things I haven’t done with him, out of fear of the unknown and because I don’t have the drive to do them.

When we met we had passionate sex for a week, but since then I’ve rarely wanted it. We are now living together and I’ve been away for the past week, but I only wanted a cuddle when I got back.

I’m worried this will break us up. He’s said he doesn’t feel wanted by me and we’re not intimate enough. To me, cuddling and kissing is intimate and all the affection I need. I’ve told him how much I love him, but he says it’s not the same. He insists he won’t leave

I don’t want sex and worry this will break us up

me, but I’m concerned. I’m not purposely doing this to him and it’s not that I don’t find him attractive, I just don’t have a desire for sex. I realise most couples do have sex regularly and I don’t know why my body doesn’t react in the same way.

Coleen says

You could see your doctor to find out if there are any hormone issues that might account for your lack of sex drive. But perhaps you’re just not compatible sexually. Maybe that spark would be there for you with someone else, but because you’re relatively inexperienced when it comes to sex and relationships, you don’t recognise that.

I think you need be really honest with each other. It’s all very well saying “I won’t leave you”, but there’s every likelihood that’s what would happen as you both sound so young.

It’s sad, but sometimes everything can be great about a relationship apart from one area where you’re not compatible. Sex is a pretty major area, so you have to be on the same page if a relationship is going to last.

I don’t think you’re wrong for feeling the way you do, but I don’t think you can blame him either for wanting a full relationship, including sex. Cuddling and kissing is intimate, but if you’re young and have a high sex drive, then it’s not enough. So don’t ignore it.

Maybe if you do talk honestly and want to make it work, then you could be more experimental in bed to find out what you like and what you don’t. Maybe you just need reassurance when it comes to sex and to work out what turns you on.