(or can it? We don’t know)

If you want to live longer, apparently you have to drink coffee now. Which is terrible news for tea drinkers. According to a study by Imperial College London, people who drink three cups of coffee a day may live longer than non-coffee drinkers. Although it’s possible they might just think they’re alive longer because they sleep less. Or maybe they spend a greater proportion of their lives bored in the queue at Starbucks, so it feels longer.

But an Israeli study found that moderate tea drinkers lived longer than those who don’t drink tea regularly, and you cannot serve two masters, ie be a tea and coffee drinker. It would be like supporting Chelsea and Arsenal at the same time, which is impossible unless you’re American.

At the same time as the coffee study came out, a 100-year-old woman from Bangor, Maine, Florence Bearse claimed the secret of her longevity was wine. Then she said: “You’re my best mate, you are. No, I mean it. Lezzavanutha. Hic.”

Emma Morano, on the other hand, who lived to the age of 117 before she died earlier this year, claimed that her long life was down to being single and eating three eggs a day. Two eggs every day, I’ll be bound.

There is so much advice around on how to live a long life. So we at Dave have trawled through the research to find out what you need to do to make sure you receive a telegram from the Queen. Be married and single According to the different reports and the anecdotal evidence from long-lived people, you need to have regular sex at least twice a week, but you have to be single, and also at the same time married, as married men are three times less likely to die of heart disease, and married women are half as likely.

Drink like a fish, which you will later eat You have to drink three cups of coffee and three cups of tea a day, but you also have go to bed early, so good luck with that. And you have to drink the right amount of red wine, enough so you benefit from the antioxidants, but not enough that you ruin your liver, and two glasses of apple juice too, to prevent Alzheimer’s Disease. And don’t forget the eight glasses of water you need to drink. You’re never going to get a full night’s sleep again, are you?

Eat more and less at the same time You also have to eat plenty of oatmeal and eggs and sushi and rice and pasta and beef every day, and you have to eat twice as much fruit and veg as you do now, but you also have to make sure your waist measures below 94cm for a man and 80cm for a woman. So you have to eat more, but also less. Do all of these things at the same time, and we guarantee that you will live till the age of 135. And if we are wrong, you can sue us.