I NEED TIME AWAY FROM WIDOW MUM

Dear Coleen

Ever since my dad died four years ago I’ve become the main focus of my mum’s life. I’m 33 and my marriage ended just before my dad died. We didn’t have any children and my husband dumped me for an old girlfriend.

My parents were a huge support and then my dad died, so mum and I became even closer and leaned on each other through our grief.

I have an older brother who lives in Canada.

I live round the corner from my mum and see her every day. We also speak about four or five times a day.

If I make plans to go out after work or go on holiday she makes a big fuss and I feel terribly guilty. But I’m starting to resent her. I want to start going out more with friends and having some time to myself, and maybe meet someone else.

But she keeps saying it’s so nice we have each other and puts me off mixing with anybody else. How can I tell her – nicely – that I need space to create a life of my own?

Coleen says

I think you need to have a chat with your mum and tell her what you’ve just told me in your letter.

You sound like a wonderful daughter and your mum clearly knows you love her dearly. But she must also realise that at your age you need your own life.

Instead of feeling like you should see her every day, you could have some mum and daughter days once or twice a week.

The rest of the time you need to go out with friends your own age.

Tell your mum the time you spend together is precious to you but that you need time on your own. She may take it really well or she might sulk for a bit.

You should also encourage your mum to get her own friends by getting a hobby or joining a club. Offer to go with her the first few times if she’s nervous. If she gets a life for herself, it will help you both.