Hubby forgave affair – but now he checks my phone
Dear Coleen
Just over two years ago, I cheated on my husband with a colleague at work. My husband and I had been going through a rough patch and he even moved out for a while because we were arguing so much.
During this time I had a onenight stand with a colleague at a Christmas party.
I had quite fancied the guy and we used to flirt a bit at work but after we slept together I felt completely ashamed and it made me realise I loved my husband and I wanted to make things work. We don’t have any children together. He forgave me and we got back together. Straight away I told him I’d slept with somebody else. I was completely honest about the flirting and how it meant nothing and I only slept with him because we were so unhappy. I wanted to be honest, and not get back together while keeping this big secret. He seemed to forgive me – at least he said he did – and we seemed happy for a while.
But in the last year he’s started checking my phone and I’ve recently caught him going through my email.
We’ve been having furious rows about my cheating – the kind we never had after I told him – and I’m wondering why he’s suddenly bringing it up again now?
Coleen says
Because he never really got over it and because you never really talked about it. It sounds like in the beginning you were both so full of hurt and pain at the thought of breaking up that he was willing to forgive everything and make up rather than risk losing you.
But he kept all his jealousy and anger bottled up and now it’s started to seep out. He’s clearly never really dealt with your betrayal, has he? So he brushed it under the carpet and tried to forget all about it, but now it’s becoming clear that he can’t do that.
He’s trying to forgive you, but he’s not forgetting, so you need to address it. I know it’s not for everybody, but why don’t you suggest to him that you go along for some couple’s counselling?
It will give you both a chance to sit down and open up with a mediator who will help you really listen to and understand each other, rather than just arguing and bringing up the past. If you don’t, I really worry you could split up as it sounds like you can try to reassure him you won’t cheat again – and you’re sorry you did in the first place – until you’re blue in the face.
And then you may end up resenting him and wanting out anyway.
Trust is a very hard thing to fix once it’s broken.