Shellshocked by a sideways look at the lovelife of crabs

There were some fascinating insights into mating and reproduction in Channel 4’s The Secret Life Of The Zoo last night.

According to one keeper, “Sometimes it can be that small extra detail that makes all the difference.”

Which, if nothing else, may explain why I spotted a two-horned chameleon flicking through the Barry White section at my local HMV the other week. (OK, I made that up. As if there’s still an HMV near me.)

Another keeper later conceded that success can also be “pot luck”, which certainly made me feel I had something GAME Julian Fellowes is penning football drama in common with my brothers and sisters in the animal kingdom.

There’s quite a lot of “Ooh, they’re just like us” going on in this programme, set at Chester Zoo. That is probably why it is so popular.

It is like watching a soap opera, only instead of Phil and Grant Mitchell you get an actual pair of grunting gorillas.

Last night’s opener even featured another soap staple – the love triangle. Vampire crabs Janet and John were “not getting it on”, so the keepers introduced another male, Claude, into the mix.

Sure enough, Janet was soon firing out tiny baby crabs like an overworked Amazon delivery drone.

There was only one problem. The keepers could not tell who the father ... the number of Netflix subscribers worldwide – and the streaming service has 300 million user profiles. was. Well, they said they couldn’t. My guess is they are just saving the dramatic big reveal for the Christmas Day episode.

Either that or Jeremy Kyle has offered them big money for a live DNA test special.

Let’s face it, his guests being crabs rather than suffering from them might make for a refreshing change.