Ex wife has destroyed my confidence in bed
Dear Coleen
Four years ago, I separated from my wife of 15 years after she had an affair with an old flame. Naturally, I was devastated but eventually plucked up the courage to ask her why she cheated.
Her reply was absolutely brutal. She said that sex with me was awful and added that I was “not blessed” in the trouser department, although what she actually said was a lot cruder.
As you can imagine this has totally destroyed my confidence with women. I have been single ever since, but craving a little love and affection, plus, dare I say it, sex.
However, I simply can’t face going through this kind of pain, embarrassment and rejection ever again.
How can I get through this and change my situation? I don’t want to be lonely and single for the rest of my life, but I am so scared of doing anything about it.
Also, how do I learn to satisfy a woman’s needs? It’s fair to say that my ex-wife’s words have haunted me and I feel like a complete failure as a result.
Coleen says
OK, first of all, you are not a failure – you were married for 15 years and I imagine that many of those were happy ones, and both you and your wife felt fulfilled sexually.
To me, it sounds as if she said what she did specifically to hurt you when your marriage had broken down – and she knew this would be a killer punch and destroy your confidence. It was probably not even true – after all she seemed pretty happy with your “trouser department” for a long time.
Please don’t let what she said stop you from enjoying new relationships. If you get together with the right woman and there’s chemistry between you, then sex is something you can explore and discover together. The experience will be unique to you.
You could also try having some sessions with a psychosexual counsellor. To find a therapist, visit the British Association for Counselling & Psychotherapy (bacp.co.uk).
Don’t give your ex any more of your time. Your happiness is the priority now.