I NEED TO KNOW IF HE LOVES ME

Dear Coleen

I reconnected with an old school friend recently and we gradually started a relationship, going slowly and getting to know each other again.

We have now been together officially for five months and I told him that I love him, but didn’t ask what his feelings for me are.

How do I ask him? He isn’t the type of man to talk deeply about things, but I’m so scared I’m unlovable and need some kind of reassurance from him.

I’m 59 and he is 62. I have been through hell in the past and feel worthless – so not knowing is really getting to me.

Coleen says

Of course you’re not unlovable and this new relationship has proved that – you’ve been together for a few months now and things are going really well. And you’ve done the right thing by taking it slowly and getting to know each other again. It’s all good!

I think your insecurities, caused by past experiences, are coming to the surface here and that’s understandable. And I think you haven’t asked him about his feelings because you’re scared of the answer – you’re not confident that your feelings will be reciprocated.

Some people find it really hard to say “I love you”, even if they love you more than life itself, and that’s usually down to the way they were brought up. But it’s still early days.

I think it’s reasonable to open up a discussion by asking him if he’s enjoying the relationship and if he’s happy (you don’t have to ask him if he loves you), and then you can explain that sometimes you feel a bit vulnerable in new relationships because of what’s happened to you in the past.

But enjoy this time in your life and see where it leads. And remember, people show love in all sorts of ways.