How to survive the dreaded World Cup
MY current husband is the only bloke I’ve ever gone out with who has been into football.
At first it was a bit of a novelty. Four seconds later, that wore off and now my life is – without being overly dramatic – a living hell.
It’s a Pri-Di three of us in this marriage scenario... I was about to say it’s as if my husband also has a girlfriend, but that implies that her status is lower than mine.
Being married to a football obsessive is more like being one of two wives when it’s obvious that the other one’s the favourite. After all, he was with her first.
It also comes without the bonus I’d get if football really
was another woman, ie then he’d have to sneak around behind my back rather than constantly boring on about it right in front of me.
And now 2018 looks set to be the worst year yet. The never-ending football season takes an all too brief hiatus, and a World Cup immediately arrives to make a mockery of that.
It lasts for a month and a day, ie THE REST OF ALL OUR LIVES, IN TEDIUM TERMS.
Then, as soon as the misery ends and it’s finally over, it’s preseason friendly something or other, and then the normal, AWFUL season starts again, even though THERE HAS BEEN NO BREAK FROM FOOTBALL.
I’ve argued and sulked my way through however many World Cups there have been in my relationship lifetime. Do you know where it’s got me? Nowhere.
It’s almost been like he was completely ignoring every word I said, giving his full attention to the football on the telly in front of him instead, in a move that would be considered defiant if he’d had any idea he was being defiant, which he didn’t, because he wasn’t listening.
This year, I need a new approach. Maybe you do too.
So here are my suggestions – a three-pronged attack for surviving the World Cup 2018. Fake it Such a cliché about women only watching football to look at the legs... but have you seen the Iran team? As long as you’re staring at the screen, no one can tell what level you’re watching on.
It can be like when your bloke pretends he’s gripped by the storylines on Love Island rather than the twentysomethings in bikinis. Join in the delusion For as long as I can remember, I have known – although I’m completely ignorant about sport – that England are not going to win.
And then I always wonder why everyone else in the country convinces themselves that England
might win, and gets all excited and far too into it, and then plunges into depression when England don’t win, because England never win.
Also, how come no one remembers this from last time, when exactly the same thing didn’t happen?
Now I’ve realised – they don’t want to remember it, because then they’ll have to face the facts. Turns out honesty isn’t always the best policy – sometimes saying “Yes, I definitely think we stand a good chance this year” is. Be a stealth operator When England are knocked out of the competition – shocking the nation, because we thought they stood a really good chance this year – this is your chance!
Because you were so invested, all other matches are now a painful reminder of what could have been.
Bonus points if you can make him think boycotting the rest of the tournament is his idea, but obviously huge respect for pulling this off any which way.
If you manage that, the real winner of the World Cup is definitely you.
Why does everyone think England can win?