How to revitalise your sex life after the menopause
In the second extract from her new book Confessions of a Menopausal Woman, Loose Women presenter Andrea McLean, 48, tackles the taboos surrounding ‘the change’, loss of libido, frisky feelings brought on by a flush of hormones – and the dreaded duty sex
Whatever your experience of sex has been throughout your life − good, bad or indifferent − the menopause is one of those times when it definitely changes.
If you’ve had children, it’s right up there with post-baby sex − you either get right back in the saddle (if you know what I mean) and barely miss a beat; or you grit your teeth and bear it while internally raging that this is yet another thing you have to do.
Your body changes during the menopause. It just doesn’t seem to work the way it used to. All of this leaves you feeling rubbish about yourself, which then starts to play havoc with your mind.
How are you supposed to feel sexy when your body is falling apart, everything is the wrong way around, you have no energy, your brain has turned to mush, your libido has dropped through the floor, and everything your partner says and does makes you want to punch him on the nose?
Feeling bad about sex is awful, and all the evening primrose oil and deep breathing exercises in the world aren’t going to get you over this one.
It’s something we hear about often, and something most of us enjoy having a good-natured grumble about, talking round the edges of it, but never actually getting down to the nitty-gritty. Why is that? Now, I don’t believe that’s because women aren’t interested in it. I just think that as Brits we don’t like to talk about the subject. It’s right up there with how much money we earn, or whether someone has BO. You just don’t bring it up in conversation. It’s such a shame because sex, whether it’s the lack of it or otherwise, is an important part of the menopause journey. I work with some incredible ladies on Loose Women, and the discussions we have off air are far more revealing than the ones that are broadcast to the nation. That’s because we can be truly open and honest without worrying what anyone thinks about us. We’re friends as well as colleagues and we don’t judge, no matter how dramatic the confession. We say what we feel without having to edit ourselves. And, yes, we talk about sex – 99% of the time the conversation revolves around “duty sex”, or how often having sex is something done to keep the peace. Not wanting sex at all is extremely common during the menopause. And not wanting sex is OK. I really want to stress that. There’s no right or wrong when it comes to your libido – it’s whatever you’re happy and comfortable with, and what works within the dynamics of your relationship. If both of you are content as you are, then that’s wonderful and long may it continue.
Problems can creep in when one of you isn’t happy with the sexual set-up.
So what can you do?
Step one
Have a think about what has changed for you. Is it simply exhaustion from carrying too much of the load at home? If it is, then talk about it with your family and see if daily chores can be spread out a bit. You don’t get a medal when you’re dead for having done more ironing than the person lying in the ground next to you. Try to find a way to lighten your load.
Step two
How are you feeling? Has the fire literally gone out? Do you never feel like it any more? If you genuinely don’t feel like ever having sex again, and this is a far cry from how you used to feel about it, how does that make you feel? Not bothered? Sad? Angry?
Once you’ve got it clear in your own head, and you have some kind of idea about what you’d like to do about it, talk to your partner.
Open a bottle of wine, find a time when you aren’t going to be disturbed and talk to your other half about where your sex life is right now.
You will get hot, and awkward, and embarrassed, but unless you want things to stay as they are, it’s a conversation that you need to have. The menopause makes you feel more sensitive about everything – criticism that comes your way, your body, how you think you look, how you think they think you look.
Explain that you aren’t feeling like you used to and try to find a way for you to work through it together.
Step three
Is your libido low in your head or in your body? If you’ve talked things through and feel loved and not put-upon, but still can’t get revved up, it’s probably time to have a blood test to check your hormone levels.
If your hormone levels are low, HRT is an option, so discuss that with your GP. And there are natural alternatives which can lend a hand.
Step four
When you drive a car every day you probably don’t give it much thought to how it gets from A to B. That’s what sex can become like.
Now, imagine that over time, without you really noticing, parts of your car have begun to change and you only notice when driving it. Take the smear that your wipers leave on the windscreen, for example – you really must get them changed. But by the time you’ve got to where you need to be and switched off the engine, a smudged windscreen isn’t really on your mind any more.
But one day soon, you’ll get in the car, and not be able to see where you’re going. If this happened, would you never drive again?
I know it’s an effort to book the car in for a service. But with a few minor adjustments the smudge will be long gone and you will be able to see clearly again. And sex can be exactly the same.
A word of warning, though – the longer you take to do something about things, the more difficult they will be to fix.
Remember when sex wasn’t awful? When it was really, really good? Maybe, just maybe, it can be like that again.
Sex is never going to work or get any better if both of you lie there not talking about what feels good or not so good, gritting your teeth and putting up with it.
So talk, confess, and share ideas and experiences. It’s the only way to find out what might just work for you.
I know how hard it is when you have to raise a tricky subject with someone you love, but if something is making you unhappy, then why carry on pretending the problem’s not there?