Hubby cheated, now he wants to move back in
Dear Coleen
Last March, after 29 years of marriage, I discovered my husband was having an affair.
After much begging on his part, we decided to give it another go. We’d been living separate lives – he went drinking with friends every weekend, while I was left at home with our grown-up children, suffering from the menopause and agonising about empty-nest syndrome.
We saw a therapist who said my husband would benefit from angermanagement counselling. He did the course, but we never went back to relationship therapy.
In July, we had a disastrous holiday with our daughter when we all ended up arguing, and he said he had no intention of changing his nasty temper.
A week later, I caught him calling the woman he’d been having an affair with, saying he didn’t think things would work out with me. He agreed to live with his brother for a while, but after three days, he had a breakdown and I had to take him to hospital. Then he came home while he looked for a new place, and I had to remortgage the house and give him half before he would move out. We lived in the same house until October and he slept in my room while I slept all over the place.
Eventually, he moved into his own house and for the past seven months he’s asked to come home on a weekly basis. He now says he’s a changed man. I have hit a low patch and find myself crying a lot. I keep thinking that maybe it would be better to try again, as I can’t seem to move forward, even though I’ve been unhappy for years.
I’m worried about dying sad and lonely. What should I do? I feel as confused as ever.
Coleen says
I think you’re feeling confused because he’s in your life so much. You know deep down taking him back won’t work and you’re underestimating how well you’ve done on your own.
Every time you have a blip, think of what you’ve said in this letter – you haven’t been happy for years. Why do you think that is OK?
When you’ve spent a long time with someone, you’re not going to get over it immediately. But give yourself the best chance.
Rather than talking to him, talk to a psychotherapist to help put your life into perspective, but stick with the process. One or two sessions isn’t going to make everything hunky-dory.
You have to remind yourself you were living in a toxic situation, but when it’s over, the brain has a way of erasing the bad stuff and then you fantasise about the good bits.
I think you’re over him, but you’re scared of being on your own and starting again. Take little steps and build your own life again.