Danny Dyer’s essential guide to Brexit*

WHEN you need a man to tell it how it is, there’s no one better then EastEnders’ cockney hero Danny Dyer.

Appearing on ITV’s Good Evening Britain this week, the straight-talking star called former Prime Minister David Cameron a t*** twice and summed up Brexit as “comedy”. So here he expands on that very apt description of our exit from the EU: I’ll fess up, people, I ain’t never said I thought the EU wasn’t mingin’. To be fair, most of them MEPs are pearl divers and tea leafs.

But I thought we was quite sweet wiv Europe. I’ve been darn Athens and seen what happened to the Bubble ‘n’ Squeaks but it hasn’t exactly left us Hank Marvin has it? As for Brexit, no one’s got a Scooby Doo. Other than we’re gonna be boracic lint just to satisfy the egos on a load of right-wing Bengal Lancers like Boris Johnson, who only came out for it to save his Vera Lynn. They caused all the aggro but now that it’s turned to Eartha Kitt, they wonder why we’ve all got the Donald Trump. That referendum night I was sittin’ on me kangaroo pouch wiv me cheese and kisses watching the KY Jelly, and I said to ‘er, I said, ‘This is all gonna end in Britney Spears, as sure as God’s my Jehovah’s’. Was I wrong? Nah. That Nigel Farage does my nut in. He gets himself papped down the rubber dub havin’ a Richard Gere and everyone finks he’s the bees’ knees. Do me a bleedin’ Cheesy Quaver. The geezer’s a Damien Hirst-class tosspot. He does all this patriotic posturin’, then scarpers to America to tell all the Septic Tanks how sh*t Britain is, while still getting paid his massive rock of ages off Brussels.

Then that Theresa May only calls an election to win a big majorit-ee to push an ‘ard Brexit through and gets egg all over her Ricky Gervais. Now she’s so cream-crackered no one listens to her and she mopes around wiv a long boat.

As for David Cameron who started all this Barney Rubble, he’s Hovis. How can he land us in this Elliot Ness, then p*ss off humming, put his trotters up and write a Captain Cook that will earn him a pile of Becks ‘n’ Posh? Only one word for him. Slaaaaaaaag.