Worried that I have grown apart from my boyfriend

I’m the complete polar opposite of his expectations

Dear Coleen

I have been with my boyfriend for nine years, since we were just 16. I’m finding our morals and life plans are completely different now than they were when we were teenagers.

When our relationship started, I didn’t consider what our future might hold and how bringing up children with him would be. I don’t believe he’s the father I want for my kids because we are so different when it comes to morals and expectations.

In fact, I am the complete polar opposite of him. I have lots of opinions on politics, human rights and the environment, and our beliefs clash, so we just don’t talk about any of that stuff to avoid heated discussions.

We also come from very different backgrounds and I believe this plays a role in our clash of opinions. I am 25 and currently saving for a mortgage. I’ve taken steps towards our future together as I’ve always hoped to start a family by the time I’m 30.

But should I leave a perfectly happy relationship now to avoid heartbreak in the future and the possibility of raising our children separately? Should I stay and hope he starts to understand that my views on bringing up kids are healthier than his? Am I overthinking our future and do we still have time to grow as people and agree on things?

Coleen says

Of course you’re different people to those teenagers who got together nine years ago. You’ve had more experience of life, discovered more about who you are as people and formed opinions on life. It’s all perfectly natural and often the reason that lots of couples go their separate ways after getting together very young. What you have to work out is if the difference is too much to accept.

Family relationships do play a big part – we often unconsciously choose a partner who offers something very different to what we’ve come from. And that might have been the case with you.

Difference can be a really positive thing if you can accept it and compromise as you meet life challenges, but it can also see you at loggerheads.

You’re going to keep growing and changing as people as time goes on and you gain more life experience, so you have to talk about whether what you have together is strong enough to cope with that.

Rather than ignoring the difficult areas for an easy life, face up to them and have an honest conversation about what you both really want. You might also find that the more you plan for the future, the more he fights against it, so then you’ll have your answer.