SHE SAYS WE’RE TOO OLD FOR SEX

Dear Coleen

My wife and I are both 68 and have been married for 48 years. However, our sex life is not very inspiring and she never seems to want to participate.

When we do have sex, it is all one-sided and there is no foreplay – in fact, she will not let me touch her to enable any.

She keeps saying we’re too old and that she doesn’t feel anything when we do it. Several years ago she had a hysterectomy and says her hormones are non-existent and she cannot take any HRT.

I really do not know what to do. I’ve often had thoughts about “going somewhere else” so that I can be satisfied sexually.

Coleen says

It’s a very difficult situation when a partner is completely disengaged. I feel for both of you because you obviously still love each other, but want different things. I think all you can do is be completely honest about your own feelings, so she can make a decision.

Try taking the pressure off the sex act itself and talk – tell her how you feel and that sex and intimacy is important to you because you still love her and don’t want to give that up for the rest of your life. You need to discuss it – however difficult that is – and deal with it together instead of retreating to your separate corners.

And try to build intimacy outside of the bedroom to remind yourselves of how good it feels to be a couple.

Going through the menopause does change things sexually and psychologically for a woman. However, although she’s not fully involved when you have sex, she is still participating, so I think it’s obvious that she still loves you and wants to please you, even if she’s not getting much from it.

There are alternatives to HRT that could be worth investigating and she could also speak to her GP. I don’t know how serious you are about finding sexual satisfaction elsewhere, but do not use that as a threat.