My late ADHD diagnosis explains why my life is always so chaotic
Acasual chat with a doctor led to finding out why my life has been at times chaotic, troubled and difficult. He nodded away at my answers as he asked about my childhood. Was I often in trouble at school? Yes. Often in detention? Yes. Always being told off ? Yes.
I was a loud, chattering, annoying schoolboy. Teachers allowed me to stand at my desk because I couldn’t sit still or down for very long.
Did I do well at school? No. I passed four out of nine O-levels, scraped some resits and left before my A-levels. Walking out after nine years’ boarding school and ringing my dad to say I had also got my girlfriend pregnant, you could hear the screaming from space.
Had I been in trouble with the law? Yes. A conviction aged 20 for siphoning fuel from a car. I pleaded guilty and was fined £80 from my dole money.
By 22 I had two children, had been homeless, mostly unemployed and for my middle-class parents I was a “lost soul”. For four years they barely knew where I was. I roamed the country in a converted lorry, doing odd jobs as my family despaired and worried.
I’d make impulsive decisions, often leading to a complicated personal life. Relationships failed. I have four children from two mothers. I’m very proud of my children, though I’ve often been an absent dad.
I look at friends and family and wonder how their lives can seem so stable. Why do I never seem able to stick at things, see them through?
The doctor told me there may be a reason. A few days after that chat I was in a consultant psychiatrist’s office with a ping pong ball strapped to my head. I was told to stare at a screen and click when I saw certain shapes. I thought this was all ridiculous.
The doctor had thought I had undiagnosed ADHD. I didn’t know what that meant and was sceptical.
The psychiatrist told me it’s not about an inability to focus but an inability to control what you focus on.
That sank in. I’d often found it diffi- cult to control focus, to think straight. Unless I am really interested and then I “hyper focus”. As a broadcast journalist, he said, you’ve ended up in a job tailor-made for people with ADHD. Unpredictable, with constant stimulation and once the broadcast is over the team moves on. You never sit still for long in a newsroom.
I started the test, my legs jigging up and down, feet tapping. My head was twitching and I was biting my lips with the effort to focus for 30 minutes. The ping-pong ball on my head was measuring my head movements. After what felt like a couple of days, I was shown a messy scribble on the screen which had been traced by the headgear.
Now I was told to take one tablet of Concerta, another brand name for the same drug as Ritalin. The tablet contains methylphenidate, a stimulant that can increase focus.
“The drug takes half an hour to work so come back in an hour and a half and we’ll do the test again,” I was told.
This time my legs didn’t move at all. I stayed still, a strange feeling. This was the moment the penny dropped. I could be different and I could focus.
The results showed a much neater pattern measured by the headgear. I was shown results which suggested in some areas of concentration the increase was 400% with the drug.
There was a sense of relief. For the first time, at 48, I felt I had answers. Mainly to my nearest and dearest who’d always said that’s “what I’m like”.
Michelle Beckett, founder of ADHD Action, a charity which highlights the need for better diagnosis, says: “Almost every late-diagnosed adult describes overwhelming relief at being given an ‘explanation’. This is coupled with an almost instant easing of the deep shame and guilt felt for ‘not living up to their potential’. Often these feelings of self-blame have lasted for decades.”
That sense of grief then began. What if this had been identified at school? I could have developed strategies, known the dangers to my behaviour and taken the medication I do now.
But it’s too late for all that. I’m so grateful to the doctor for picking up on a few clues. To the psychiatrist. To my partner Chrissie whose patience and understanding mean so much.
During Mental Health Awareness Week I tweeted that I’d been diagnosed. The stigma attached to ADHD meant I was wary of telling people at work but the response was overwhelming. I tweeted as I was on a train heading into work and was so moved by the supportive replies I put my sunglasses on to hide my tears.
Michelle Beckett [ADHD Action founder] replied as did Tony Lloyd, CEO of the ADHD Foundation. I spoke
to them both and they were both so helpful with explaining how many people deal with diagnosis and coming to terms with the condition.
There are so many misconceptions. It’s often thought ADHD only affects children. That it’s to do with bad parenting.
Men are three times as likely to be diagnosed as women and black boys with symptoms are often written off as bad, lazy or rude. Adults with ADHD are nine times as likely to end up in prison and twice as likely to be fired,
There was a sense of relief. For the first time, at 48, I felt I had answers
ANGUS WALKER ON BEING DIAGNOSED WITH ADHD
campaign group #attentionuk says. The problem for diagnosing ADHD is that there is no biological test and there are different types. People can spend hours focussing on the things they like, that gives their dopamine-starved brains a good feeling and spend no time on the things that don’t interest them, like work. Neglecting whole areas of your life is a common theme. Michelle says: “Around 80% of adults with ADHD suffer from mental health problems and it carries a tenfold risk of suicide. It’s totally unacceptable that so many GPs and mental health professionals refuse to accept ADHD even exists in adults.” More shocking is the waiting times postcode lottery, sometimes several years or even no service.
ADHD is stigmatised, misunderstood, yet highly treatable. If this was any other condition, there would be a public outcry. My life is now better and I have the tools to try to limit the impact of ADHD, not just on me, but on those around me.
■ Angus Walker is an ITV News correspondent. He shares the stage with Rory Bremner at the ADHD Foundation conference in Liverpool on November 8 and 9.