People are confessing their biggest work

lies on a phone app called Whisper. And I, like everyone else, have lied on my CV. I’ve written “I love theatre” when I’d just been to a panto once a year – and “fluent in languages” when all I could say was “Hola!” and “Guten Tag”.

In the 90s, I needed money so I auditioned to be a roller-skating sperm in a fertility advert. I said I could skate but couldn’t, so spent the whole time clinging to the sides.

There was no way that sperm was going to find the egg.