We were happy but he’s changed since we wed
Dear Coleen
I got married six months ago after being in a live-in relationship for seven years. If anything, my partner was a lot more keen to get married than I was – my attitude has always been “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
We always had a good relationship and got on well as friends. However, we’d been talking a bit about trying for a baby and we’re both 34 this year, so the time seemed right to get married.
We had a big wedding and invited everyone we know, but since then he’s retreated into his shell and just isn’t the same person. We barely communicate, he’s distant a lot of the time and we hardly ever have sex any more.
We’ve actually had a few therapy sessions after I insisted, but it hasn’t made any difference. I’m starting to think we made a huge mistake in marrying and should just separate.
There’s also a guy at work I really like who I’ve been spending a bit of time with. I’ve never thought about cheating before, but I’m considering it because I feel so miserable. Any ideas?
Coleen says
First of all, don’t have an affair – that’ll only make things more complicated and it’s not going to help you solve the problems in your marriage. It’s just an escape and a way of ignoring them.
I think lots of couples just see marriage as the natural next step to take without actually thinking about whether it’s what they really want.
Some treat it as a kind of sticking plaster and the hope is that it’ll patch up the cracks and suddenly all their doubts and worries will disappear – but this never happens.
Maybe your husband’s ideas on starting a family have changed and he’s struggling to be honest about it.
I think therapy is a good idea, but you have to give it time to start working – it’s not a quick fix. It could take many months to get a breakthrough, so it requires commitment.
Don’t let the fact you had a big wedding make you stay in a marriage that’s not working.
The people who care about you will understand and be supportive.
He’s distant and we hardly ever have sex now