ADOPTING WAS HARD SO WHY DO IT AGAIN?

Dear Coleen

I’m a man in a gay relationship and we have an adopted son, who we both adore and live for.

It hasn’t been easy since he came along, though. Our son has a traumatic history and the past three years have been very challenging, coping with his behaviour and feelings of insecurity.

He’s barely slept through since he arrived and this has led to problems in our relationship where we both accuse each other of getting things wrong or not being there for one another. Sex and intimacy have suffered too. My partner wants to adopt again, which I think is mad, given how much we’re already struggling. I can’t see a way through.

Coleen says

You have to be prepared that it’s going to take time. Naturally, most people go into adoption desperate for a child and to create a family, but once that child is home with you, the hard work starts.

All children push your buttons, and with an adopted child you have an extra layer of challenges to deal with from their past. It’s elite parenting, if you like, and you develop skills as you go on.

When kids come along (adopted or not) they have an impact on your relationship, so it is important to make space for each other. And until issues are ironed out, don’t think about adopting another child.

It’s vital to get some respite from parenting, even if it’s a night on your own – and it doesn’t make you a bad parent because you’ve asked a relative or friend to babysit. You’re going through what all parents go through – it’s a steep learning curve.

So don’t panic too much, make time to listen to each other and don’t rush into adopting again until you’re ready. You want to go into it strong and positive, and your social worker will pick up quickly if you’re not ready or not on the same page.