SHE WON’T MAKE A COMMITMENT

Dear Coleen

I’ve been with my girlfriend for eight years and we live together. Recently, I plucked up the courage to propose to her.

I took her to our favourite restaurant and when we were walking home by the river, I asked her to marry me.

I thought it was very romantic, but she didn’t say anything. She looked embarrassed and laughed, as if I meant it as a joke.

When we got home, I didn’t know what to do, so I asked her if it was a yes or a no, and she just said she wasn’t “ready for all that”. She didn’t really elaborate and we’ve barely said a word to each other since.

My question is – when will she be ready? We’ve been together all this time and we’re both in our mid-30s. If not now, then when and what can I do to sort this out? I feel dejected and foolish.

Coleen says

I totally understand how let down and confused you feel.

What’s really baffling is her vagueness. She really owes you a proper explanation. You need to get to the heart of why she’s not ready and she needs to be honest about whether she’ll ever be prepared to make that commitment to you.

I think you are probably avoiding each other because you’re scared about what an honest conversation will reveal, but you have to bite the bullet and do it.

It’s horrible to feel in limbo, especially at your age when I imagine lots of your friends are getting married and starting a family.

It feels like a make-or-break moment in your relationship, but if you open up a conversation, then you could talk about compromises, keeping in mind what you each want in the future.

Maybe you need to take a break from the relationship to give her some space to work out if she wants in or out.

But you have to talk!