POLLYOMETER

Going down...

Mean clean machine This steam cleaner will restore your microwave to full sparkling glory... but the lady already looks so angry, and that’s before anyone’s taken her head off and filled it with vinegar. Do we really want to make her any more cross? Too scary to use.

Um-believable

When you give birth, you get a pretty significant memento in the form of a human being that you have to take care of for the rest of your life. For some people, that’s not quite enough though – so now umbilical cord jewellery exists. Anyone who buys this, deserves it.