for you Be sensible if you split

IT’S Good Divorce Week and this year Resolution, the family law association, is focusing on encouraging splitting couples to avoid conflict during a break-up.

The group’s goal is to protect children and reduce the cost of legal bills which can skyrocket when people won’t compromise.

More than two in five marriages end in divorce, after an average of 12 years and two months.

Sarah Coles, personal finance analyst at Hargreaves Lansdown, said: “Conflict is toxic in any relationship and it’s no different for divorcing couples.

“If you can’t get through the process without a degree of civility, it won’t just make it incredibly stressful for everyone concerned, including the children, it can also add thousands of pounds to your legal bills.

“When a couple is pitted against one another in battle, the lawyers’ costs spiral.”

Sarah says you don’t have to remain entirely composed throughout one of the most traumatic periods in life. “The opposite of conflict is compromise, not capitulation,” she says.

“There are circumstances when one of the couple refuses to keep things amicable, or abuses their ex’s efforts to compromise in order to browbeat them into an unfair settlement. In these cases, it’s not your job alone to try to hold things together, so it may well be in your best interests to let a professional drive the divorce.

“If you can get through a divorce with a minimum of wasted time, anger and money, you can minimise the damage to both your family and finances. Then you can get on with the business of rebuilding for the future.”

Even in hostile situations, where you cannot bear to be within a mile of your ex, there are seven golden rules for containing the conflict, protecting your family and keeping the costs down.

1 Try to agree as much as possible as amicably as you can. You will reach the limits of this but get as far as you can go. Lawyers charge between £150 and £400 an hour, so ask yourself whether you really need their help arguing about who gets the sofa. 2 Keep channels of communication open throughout to make amicable agreements possible. If you struggle to remain civil, use email or text, and think before you press send. Never send anything you wouldn’t be happy to have read out in a divorce court. 3 Respond as quickly as you can (and honestly) to queries about financial matters. If you delay, or forget to include assets, you will raise the temperature of the negotiation dramatically. 4 Decide your priorities when it comes to the financial settlement and matters relating to the children, and make an active decision that if it’s an issue you don’t really care about, you’re not going to argue the toss. 5 Consider mediation. If you have a reasonably good, and equal, relationship with your ex, this brings you together in a room with a single lawyer conducting matters. This can cut the costs dramatically, and in straight forward cases couples can reach agreement for less than £600 – compared with the average bill of over £2,500. 6 Establish no-go topics that always lead to arguments – and leave those to your lawyer. 7 Use technology wherever you can to distance yourself from conflict. Having a joint online calendar for parenting, for example, lets you plan for who the children are staying with, and other activities, so this doesn’t become the source of arguments.

Almost half of divorces involve under 18s, so it’s vital parents follow these rules to stop any conflict affecting their children. ■ Don’t insult your ex in front of the kids, because their self-esteem is bound up with their parents’. ■ Don’t argue in front of them. A study by the University of York in 2017 found that parental rows during divorce did more damage to children than the divorce itself. ■ Don’t try to discuss things during handovers. It may seem like an opportunity, but it can create dramas, and handovers are stressful enough for children.

■ Don’t send messages via the child. This puts them directly in the path of conflict.

■ Be supportive of your child’s relationship with your ex – according to Resolution, 88% of children say it’s vital not to make kids feel they have to choose between their parents.

■ Talk normally to your child about their other parent. They need to feel they can enjoy their time with both of you and share their experiences without worrying you’ll be upset.

■ Be consistent about contact with the children regardless of your relationship: you don’t have to be present at the handover.

If you cannot be civil, use email, and never send anything you wouldn’t be happy to have read out in a divorce court