FEAR OVER ADOPTED SON’S PAST

Dear Coleen

I have an adopted son who will soon turn 18. He’s told us he’d like to find out more about his background and possibly even meet his birth parents and siblings. He was very sensitive approaching us about this and he’s a very grounded, sensible boy. We’re very proud of him.

The problem is, there is a lot of difficult stuff in his history that we haven’t told him. We’ve always been honest about why he was removed (neglect), but his birth parents were also violent and both were frequently in trouble with the police for domestic incidents and drugs offences.

I’m worried this will shatter him when he’s so happy and settled. It might even send him off on the wrong path. We don’t even know what state his birth parents are in now or even if they’re still around. Do you have any advice?

Coleen says

It sounds as if you’ve done an amazing job as parents, so you should be proud of yourselves, too. Of course there’s a risk this information could trigger all kinds of difficult emotions but, equally, it might not – especially if he’s grown up feeling secure and loved.

So, maybe you can allow yourselves to trust him a little more and, of course, if he does find his past hard to come to terms with, then you’ll be there to support him.

Once he’s 18, he’s entitled to have this information, and it’s better that you’re involved every step of the way so he doesn’t feel he has to deal with it on his own to protect your feelings.

I think you also have to prepare him for the fact that his birth parents may not want to have any contact with him – and that rejection could prove to be a huge blow.

For more resources and info visit adoptionuk.org.