Needy cousin expects me to do Christmas with her

Dear Coleen

I have a cousin who will be 80 next year. She recently fractured her femur, but is now home from hospital.

My problem is that she is expecting me to spend Christmas with her once again this year and I don’t want to do it. She has a hospital bed in the living room and carers coming in four times a day until she can bear weight on her injured leg, which I suspect may be some months away.

If I go, this will be the ninth year in a row. She has never actually asked me if I’d like to stay with her for Christmas.

She usually says something like, “When you come down for Christmas” or “I’m glad you are coming down for Christmas”, giving me no opportunity to say I’d rather not stay with her.

She just has a way of assuming that people will do what she wants, so how do I tell her that I’d prefer to stay in my own home this Christmas?

Our other cousins all keep well away so she has no reason to think they’ll help her in any way. On top of this, I have a health worry of my own.

Coleen says

You’re obviously a kind and empathetic person, which makes it really hard to say no, even if you want to. This year you have a very good reason to stay at home because of your own health issue, so I think that’s the way you should approach it with her.

You could even say that you’ve been advised to stay at home and get some much-needed rest over the holidays if it makes it any easier. It sounds as if your cousin has plenty of help and you could also speak to neighbours and other family members to see if people are willing to call in and see her on Christmas Day, even if it’s just for an hour or so.

They could draw up a rota, then you can call her to wish her Happy Christmas, and then perhaps arrange to visit her at a later date.

I understand how hard it is to say no – I’m a people pleaser myself and hate to let anyone down – but sometimes you have to think about your own wellbeing and what you want.

Would you have a miserable time if you did stay with her and would you resent being there? Could it add to your own health worries?

If the answer is yes, then you will have to tell her, but speak to her soon so that you can get some plans in place and give her time to get used to the idea before it gets any closer to Christmas Day.

This is the ninth year in a row and I don’t want to go