HE’S SPOILING OUR DAUGHTER

Dear Coleen

My husband had a very difficult childhood. His parents had a horrible, toxic marriage and, eventually, his dad walked out leaving his mum to bring him up.

She had a drink problem and depression, and they had no money. His father basically disappeared and didn’t contribute anything financially.

We have a daughter who’s five and he spoils her all the time. We’ve argued a lot about how much to get her for Christmas because I think he’s going over the top and I don’t like it.

I want her to understand the value of things.

How can I talk some sense into him? I don’t think that he realises that what he buys is too much and is bad for her.

Coleen says

Our past experiences can have a very powerful effect on us in later life – how we relate to people and how we behave.

I think your husband’s desire to give your daughter everything (that is, what he didn’t have growing up) is coming from a good place, but although it might make him feel better about himself, it’s not necessarily helping your daughter to grow up with realistic expectations.

I think you have to help him to see that your daughter is happy and well cared for all year round – she wants for nothing – so he doesn’t have to go overboard at Christmas.

In my experience, five year olds can be overwhelmed if there are too many gifts, and they don’t appreciate them. She’ll probably settle on one thing she loves, which will no doubt be the least expensive, tackiest, most sparkly toy!

And spending the time together as a family is priceless – that attention from you and your husband is what will really matter to her and that’s what your husband missed out on.

And if he really wants to do something with some of the money he would have spent on presents, there are children’s charities to donate money to.