I’ve moved on but now my ex is back in touch

Dear Coleen

Recently my divorce came through, which I’m so relieved about as I’ve moved on with my life.

I’d only been married for a year when I discovered my husband had been cheating on me with someone at work and it had been going on since before our wedding.

I was totally crushed and very down for a long time. He wanted to save the marriage, but all my instincts were telling me it was over, so I had to be really strong and just plough ahead. Luckily, I have great friends and family, who were a wonderful support.

Now I’m happy and have a new partner, and we recently moved in together. My problem is, my ex has turned up like a bad penny, wanting to see me and talk about what happened.

I don’t know whether it’s the time of year (we got married just before Christmas two years ago) or the fact that our divorce has come through.

I don’t want to see him after what he did to me but, at the same time, I’m quite intrigued by what he has to say for himself. We were together a long time before getting married, so the betrayal still hurts when I think about it. Thinking about it now, I feel as if I never even knew him.

Have you any advice?

Coleen says

Yes! Don’t meet him and focus instead on enjoying your first Christmas with your boyfriend in your new home.

Maybe your ex feels guilty and wants to absolve himself of some of that guilt by talking to you about why he had the affair and justifying it to himself. Maybe he wants to apologise. Maybe he even has some crazy notion that he can win you back.

But, whatever his reason, what would be the point?

You have moved on and you’ve dealt with what happened with the help of family and friends. You’re in a good place.

If he wants to get stuff off his chest then he can write you a letter or send you an email, or you can have a phone conversation if you’re really that intrigued about it.

It might be hitting home with him exactly what he’s lost, but you can’t help him with those feelings – he has to work through them on his own or with a therapist.

It’s not your responsibility. My advice is to look forward and focus on all the good stuff you’ve got in your life now, and make new memories around this lovely time of year. Leave the past in the past.

We’d only been wed a year but he was in an affair