He’s on a dating site but still expects to marry me

Dear Coleen

I’ve been with my partner for eight years and we’re both in our mid 40s. The relationship has had rocky patches and we still don’t live together. When we argue, he is very childish and drops off the radar for days.

He’s been married twice before – both times he cheated and was kicked out. In fact, when we got together he was seeing someone else, but ended the relationship when we got serious.

Last week, one of my friends told me that her pal had been contacted by him via a dating site and they’d met up a couple of times. I was shocked because I had no idea he was up to anything behind my back.

When I confronted him about it he tried to make out he was just ‘making friends’ because it was good for his business – he’s an electrician. He’s apologised, said he’ll come off the site and it’ll never happen again, and that he wants to marry me and move in with me. He also claims nothing physical happened with this woman.

I feel exhausted by it all – I’ve already got one broken marriage behind me (my ex cheated) and I don’t think I have the energy for this at my age. I definitely don’t want to remarry.

He’s adamant that he can’t be accused of cheating because nothing happened, but I feel he’s made a mockery of our relationship.

Coleen says

I think you’re 100% right. Of course it’s cheating whether anything physical happened or not – he’s betrayed your trust and shown that he doesn’t respect you or the relationship. He’s now clutching at straws to keep you, hence the marriage proposal – and I don’t know any electricians who look for work via dating sites!

In terms of relationships, he hasn’t reached a level of maturity and is unwilling to commit unless the chips are down and he thinks it’s the only way to rescue the situation.

You’re still a young woman and I’d think very carefully about what you want in the future and the kind of relationship you deserve.

From what you’ve said, the relationship has always struggled, so if you left him, what are you really losing? You’ve already ended a marriage because of cheating, so remind yourself what that taught you. On the positive side, you came through it and you can do it again. I just think you need to believe in yourself more and find the strength to be on your own.

And I think if you did that it would give you the space to work out what you want and to realise that you deserve better from a relationship, and that it’s possible to find it. Good luck.

He claimed he was just trying to ‘make friends’