MUM THINKS CHEATER DAD WAS PERFECT

Dear Coleen

My dad died last year and it’s since come to light that he had numerous affairs while he was with my mum, which she knew nothing about.

He broke up a 30-year marriage and the woman he was seeing even attended his funeral, but my mother thought she was just a friend from the social club.

My mum has found it hard to cope without him and she’s turned him into this paragon of virtue.

She won’t have a bad word said against him and often tells my brother that he should be “more like my dad”, which is hard for him and it annoys both of us.

Should I tell her what we know about my dad or just keep it to myself? If she knew what he’d been up to for all those years, it might help her to move on with her life.

Coleen says

Honestly, I think you should keep it to yourself. I know it’s frustrating – probably more so for your brother if he keeps being compared to your dad – but I don’t think it would help her to move on. I think it would just add to her anguish and it may also affect your relationship with her.

She might not believe you or she may have been aware of the affairs and of this woman who showed up at the funeral, but not shared it with you or your brother because she wanted to shield you from it.

When people die, we usually focus on all the good things about them and their flaws are swept neatly under the carpet – it’s a way of coping with grief.

Your mum will move on in time and probably also gain a more realistic view of your dad, so in the meantime try to support her.