Wife’s drunken behaviour humiliates me in public

Dear Coleen

My wife refuses to do anything about her drunken behaviour when we’re out socially. We’re both 39 and have two children together.

She’s successful in her job and has always been an extremely popular person. However, when we go out with friends she always ends up drinking too much and embarrassing herself or others, including me.

It’s got to the point where I dread accepting invitations because I don’t know how she’ll behave when she’s had a few. I now try to come up with excuses about why I can’t go to things.

She never drinks at home or alone but, when we’re out in a group, nine times out of 10 she takes it too far. To give you an example, she’s been in a friend’s hot tub naked when everyone else was wearing swimwear, she propositioned another friend’s 17-yearold son (she claims it was a joke) and she’s often rude and argumentative.

She never remembers any of it – that’s what she claims at any rate – and says I overreact when it’s just fun. I think she just looks like a sad person with no control, but how can I say something so wounding to her?

She’s had a tough time in the past – she grew up in a single parent family after her mother walked and she struggles sometimes to be a parent herself. Why won’t she deal with it?

Coleen says

She might not be drinking every day or at home alone, but her drinking is still a problem because it’s affecting her and the other people in her life.

Sure, she can come up with the excuse that she only drinks when she’s out in a social group, but she always drinks to excess and there always seem to be some sort of fallout.

Maybe alcohol offers a release from something or to cover something up – there will be a reason behind it. Her past may well be a factor, but it shouldn’t be an excuse.

The trouble is, if she acknowledges she has a problem, then she knows she has to deal with it.

You have to find a way to make her see how serious a problem this is for you. Why not tell her how she looks to you when she’s out of control?

Let her know you can’t go out with her any more because you’re worried about how she’ll be.

Tell her you’re worried about her drinking herself to oblivion and to the point where she can’t remember what she did.

But do it when she’s sober and when she hasn’t been out drinking. Explain how it’s hurting you, hurting the kids, hurting your marriage and that only she can do something about it.

She got in a hot tub naked when drunk at a party