Once upon £1.2m of Amanda’s time..
AMANDA Holden’s been offered £1.2 million to write a children’s book, because of course she has. I’ve managed to get hold of an early draft...
Once upon a time, there was a gorgeous little princess called
Mandy. [Editor’s note: Amanda, this is a bit too on the nose. Can you change the name please?]
So this gorgeous little princess, Mindy... did I mention she was gorgeous? She totally was. Like, she was seven years old, but she looked three, tops. She hadn’t had any work done – honestly, darling! – she just had great genes.
Not jeans. Princess Mindy wouldn’t be seen dead in trousers. They cover up too much, and those publicity generating Ofcom complaints don’t make themselves.
Everybody in the whole kingdom loved Princess Mindy, because she was completely fabulous and so, so fun. Being universally adored gave Princess Mindy an idea just like all her others – utterly fantastic.
If only there was a magic box that would allow her subjects to see her in their own basic, beige homes. Imagine how much that would brighten up their dreary lives!
Her Fairy Godmother, who had his trousers pulled up very high, started trying to make her wish come true… but poor, gorgeous Mindy had no idea that at the same time, a villain was scheming against her.
Phillips was a mean wizard, who lived in a field. When people had tired of being around him – which they did, often, and quickly – they would say, “Phillips, Go Field,” and he would know it was time to return to his home.
Phillips had been driven mad by the curse of grey hair, which made him look – shudder – old. No wonder he was bitter.
He was driven to distraction by beautiful, ageless Princess Mindy – her natural talent, and easy, sincere way of interacting with viewers.
He decided to make it his mission to stop her ever appearing on the magical box. And if “ever” was too big a stretch, he’d settle for Mondays to Thursdays from 10.30 to 12.30 for as long as it took his pet bee, Willow, to fly to Australia and back.
There’s a point in every story where it appears that evil has triumphed over good – and this is the best story ever written, natch, so of course that’s going to happen here. Phillips did get Princess Mindy banned from the magical box from 10.30 to 12.30, Mondays to Thursdays, for weeks and weeks and weeks. It was torture.
Princess Mindy was sad, but the real victims were her adoring subjects, cruelly robbed of the chance to see her. But then, not long afterwards, maybe any day now, the sky went very dark over Phillips’ house.
His time in the sun was over. He suddenly found he himself was banned from the magical box.
It happens to all wizards in the end, you see – and he might try some desperate ways of getting back on it, like eating unmentionable parts of animals and the like, but nothing would work long-term.
And so Phillips lived the rest of his days, lonely and sad, sitting in a chair staring at the floor in silence. Because what’s the point of doing anything if no one’s watching?
And Princess Mindy lived happily – and gorgeously – ever after.
She never looked any older though, obviously.
Everyone loved Princess Mindy because she was completely fabulous