I’d be big in Japan in pillow Olympics
It is literally the only thing between me and glorious Olympic glory
ALL things considered, there has never been a better time to move to Japan.
Our country is pretty much doomed, and not only was Japan the first place to have cat cafés, it now turns out pillow-fighting is a serious competitive sport there.
Known in Japanese as makuranage, pillow-fighting championships have been held since 2013.
They start with competitors “sleeping” under kakebuton comforters then leaping to their feet when the whistle is blown, grabbing a pillow and beginning the match.
Apparently it’s a mix between dodgeball and chess, and you throw pillows at each other while sometimes using duvets as shields.
The point is, as someone so un-athletic the first sentence I ever wrote at school was a forged note excusing myself from PE, finally here is a sport I can get behind. As in, might actually be able to do.
But why stop at pillow-fighting? There are so many things that could, and should, be reclassified as sports. The fact they haven’t been yet is literally the only thing between me and Olympic glory – and that’s probably the case for lots of other people too.
A few ideas:
Sleeping
The next logical step from pillowfighting, it could even be combined and take place after a match, when you’re exhausted from all the exertion. The rules are simple – whoever sleeps longest, wins. Clearly competitors would have to be drug tested ( for Nytol) and a policy on catheters would need to be agreed in advance.
Having cups of tea made for you but hardly ever making one in return
Like all athletes, I’m super-dedicated, and have trained extensively. It’s mostly about timing, and being able to hold your nerve.
The only problem with turning this into a recognised sport would be that the default get-out “Oh come on, who’s keeping score?” would no longer be valid.
Gossiping
Entrants would be rated not only on the quality of the gossip, but also on the delivery, with bonus points given for dramatic pauses and making listeners guess elements before the truth is revealed. Gossip recipients would be judged too – anyone questioning the validity of the gossip rather than simply appreciating a good story is ungrateful and will be instantly disqualified.
Moaning
I have been training for this all my life. Also it is far too cold in the stadium we’re competing in, my shoes hurt and I’m hungry.
Food forecasting
I don’t often boast about my husband – but he would crush all other competitors in this field. Whenever we sit down to eat, he will – sometimes before even taking a single mouthful – ask what I think we should have for our next meal.
So at breakfast we’re talking about lunch, at lunch about dinner and at dinner about breakfast.
On week days, when we don’t – sadly, obviously – have lunch together, he will sometimes talk at dinner about what we should have for dinner the next night, a full 24 hours away.
I once overheard someone describe marriage as two people asking each other what they want to eat until one of them dies.
Fingers crossed, me first.