Partner’s folks loved her ex and won’t accept me

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Dear Coleen

About a year ago I met a woman through a local cycling club and we hit it off. We were just friends and I knew she was married from the start.

We got to know each other better and started going on rides together, just the two of us, when we had some spare time.

She confided in me that her marriage was on the rocks and that it was a tough time, and getting out on the bike was really helping.

I suppose she felt she could talk to me and I was always ready to listen. To cut a long story short, we ended up falling in love, but nothing happened between us until she’d left her husband and moved out.

The long and short of it is, we’re now together, but her parents and the rest of her family don’t want to know. They’ve refused to meet me and believe I’m responsible for putting the nail in the coffin of her marriage.

She’s tried to explain to them that’s not the case and that her marriage was over before we met, but they don’t want to hear it. I think they really liked her ex and were upset when the marriage ended.

I’m not sure how it’s going to affect our relationship because my girlfriend obviously loves her family and doesn’t want to cut them off, but I know she’s finding it stressful.

Coleen says

I realise this won’t sound very helpful, but I’m not sure there’s much you can do if your girlfriend has already explained the circumstances to her family, other than to wait for the dust to settle. They’re hurt and disappointed and looking for someone to blame – and you’re in the firing line!

However, don’t let it ruin your relationship. The two of you need to be strong and tough it out, and hope they come round. That will enable you to wipe the slate clean and start again.

In the meantime, I think it’s important not to badmouth her family because that’s only going to cause arguments between the two of you. Don’t make her choose between you and her family.

Yes, it’s not an ideal situation, but if you really love each other and want to be together, then you need to work through it together.

And ask your girlfriend if there’s anything you can do to make things less stressful, but it’s really down to her to work on her family and help them to see she’s happy and that she made the right decision ending her marriage.

Family members often become very attached to their children’s partners, so when a relationship ends they also have to mourn the end of their friendship with that person.

They think I’m to blame for her marriage failing