I married in haste on the rebound and now I regret it
Dear Coleen
I’m a man in my 30s and got married 18 months ago to a woman I’d been dating for only a few months.
I think I got into the relationship too quickly after ending things with an on/ off long-term girlfriend.
I really loved my ex and wanted it to work, but she wasn’t as committed as I was and it led to lots of arguments, so we called it quits.
I proposed to my wife with the best intentions, but over the past few months I’ve started to think a lot about my ex and I don’t feel the same way about my wife as I did about her.
Every time my wife turns the conversation to our future – kids and so on – I panic because my heart just isn’t in it. I’m always checking my ex’s pages on social media to see what she’s up to and I miss her more and more.
I do care about my wife and I desperately wanted it to work, but I don’t think it will while I feel like this.
I’m confused and a bit lost – what should I do?
Coleen says
Perhaps because of the on/off nature of your previous relationship, you’ve been left with that feeling of “What if we gave it another go” or “What if I’d tried harder”. I wonder if part of the attraction of that relationship was all the drama, and now you’re in a steady, committed relationship, it feels a bit weird, maybe even a bit boring.
But I think you have to try to leave emotion aside – which I realise isn’t easy – and apply some logic to the situation. Realistically, how would things be better if you got back with your ex now? Would it be great for a few weeks and then the arguments would start up again? Plus, you don’t even know if she’s interested.
Instead of focusing on the good bits of that relationship, remember the times that were awful and when you split up, and the reasons why you kept splitting up. There are good reasons why you’re not together any more.
Maybe you did marry in haste, but that still doesn’t mean things will work out with your ex. If I were you, I’d step away from social media and put your energy into working out what you want to do about your marriage.
If you don’t think you’re in it for the right reasons and for the long haul, then your wife deserves to know.
My heart’s just not in my marriage and I miss my ex