Dear Coleen

HOW CAN I TELL PARTNER I DON’T WANT CHILDREN?

I can’t find the right words or the right time to tell my partner that I don’t want to have children. We’re both in our mid-30s, so I know I have to be honest with her now because these are the last years in terms of her fertility.

I thought I could go through with it, but I’ve never really wanted to do it. I had a horrible childhood – a broken home, an alcoholic dad and my mum really struggled. I had to grow up fast and I suppose I don’t want the responsibility of having children after it went so badly wrong for my own parents.

She knows about all of that, but I don’t think she’ll understand. I love her, but I don’t want to be a dad.

Coleen says

Your letter made me so sad because your reasons for not wanting to become a parent stem from what you’ve been through. Of course I understand your fears – what if things turns out the same and history repeats itself? What if I can’t cope and walk away?

But, actually, the reverse could be true – you could be a wonderful parent because of everything that happened to you.

What I’d recommend is having therapy because your childhood is still having a huge impact on your life. It’ll help you to work through the hurt and the anger and to put things into perspective.

In the meantime, yes, you have to be honest with your partner and tell her that because of what you’ve been through, you don’t feel ready to be a parent and you’re not sure you ever will. If she ends things, you should still have counselling.

I have a couple of friends who had horrific childhoods and they’ve gone on to be the absolute best parents. Having their own family has brought so much love into their lives and I think helped to repair some of the damage from the past.