Cooking really doesn’t get tougher than this
Mirror takes on the MasterChef challenge
We have all been there – screaming at the TV as a hapless wannabe MasterChef stares blankly at the ingredients in front of them.
Dozens of options seem obvious from the comfort of your own home, but how would an armchair chef fare doing the real thing?
“It’s not easy,” warns MasterChef judge John Torode as I fasten my apron – an understatement of epic proportions, as I would soon discover.
Growing up, the phrase “if you can read, you can cook” was common, but what happens when there are no instructions available and you have just 40 minutes to prepare a dish for John and fellow judge Gregg Wallace?
The Three Ingredients Challenge is exactly what it sounds
– you get a trio of items and have to make an amazing dish.
But in the new series, which starts on Monday, those who fail in the heats will be sent home without ever being able to wear the coveted apron.
We, a group of journalists, are given the three ingredients, and a larder of staples, spices and veggies – and let loose.
First came spinach and mushrooms – so far so simple. But there was just one huge, smelly, fishy problem – lemon sole, a whole one.
They wanted us to fillet it – easier said than done when your cooking expertise with that goes as far as the Filet-O-Fish at McDonald’s. “Good luck,” says Gregg.
Cue the panic. You can’t just do any old dish. It has to be special, taste great, look superb. My mum trained as a chef – I have to do her proud.
No pressure. Everyone else is slicing
and dicing, chopping and stirring. “OK,” I say to myself. “You know how to make Escovitch fish, you make that every Easter. Easy. And chips could be an easy side.” If only...
Escovitch is a Jamaican tradition – fried fish doused in vinegar, onions, carrots, peppers and chillies. What seems like just a few seconds later, as my fish burns and sticks to the pan, Gregg shouts: “You have 10 minutes.”
It’s then I realise I’ve forgotten to do anything with the potatoes.
Instead, I pick up some noodles, douse them in boiling water and take my Jamaican-inspired dish to the Orient by adding soy sauce. “I need a
garnish,” I think, grabbing raw mushrooms and a stick of lemongrass.
Then, time’s up. “Why is that on there?” asks Gregg. “Don’t put garnish on food that people can’t eat, they might hurt themselves. Why don’t you put a roller-skate in there as well?”
Taking in my mixed-up dish, he exclaims: “This is surrealism.”
The judges don’t fall for my, “it’s a
fusion of Jamaican and Chinese culture” line, with John adding: “It’s like a jigsaw I’ve never seen before.”
Well, one thing I learned – that’s the last time I make Naimah’s “not sure what I’m doing here” noodles.
■ MasterChef returns on February 24, 26 and 28, at 9pm, on BBC One.