Dear Coleen

MY BEST MATE WANTS IT ALL HER WAY

I’ve known my best friend since we were at primary school and we’re both in our early 30s now. However, over the past year, I’ve felt our friendship is very much based on her terms.

She’s had a rough time recently – a broken relationship, a house move and stress at work, and she’s always calling me up for advice. However, whenever I need to talk to her or suggest a night out, she’s never available.

She’s also unreliable and on a few occasions I’ve organised things, she’s backed out at the last minute and one time she just didn’t show, with no explanation.

I think I should say something, but I don’t want to sound petty or risk ruining our friendship. Am I making too much of this and what should I do?

Coleen says

Yes, you should explain how you feel – your friendship should be able to withstand it. If you don’t, these feelings will just fester inside and could end up spilling out in a full-blown argument.

I think it’s about how you say it. She’s obviously been going through a bad time, so you should have some sympathy for her. And she might not even realise she’s being a bit unreliable because she’s preoccupied with other things.

Why not start by asking her how things are going and if she’s OK because you feel you’ve lost touch a bit, which will hopefully open up the discussion and you can get some stuff off your chest.

Not all of us are great at keeping in touch with people when there’s a lot going on in our lives – I’m probably one of them – so maybe she just needs a gentle nudge.