Goggle swear box

France. At our grammar school it was a rule to wear our hats in public. But the walk from school to the bus stop meant passing the lads’ school.

And when we’d spent time backcombing our hair into a bouffant, we didn’t want to wear a hat with elastic under our chin flattening it.

A prefect reported us for ditching our hats and we got detention.

We had to write out passages from the Bible then read them to the assistant head. When Janet read hers, she said: “King Absalom was riding on his ass” and I was caught chuckling. The assistant head called us insolent and gave us double detention. We’ve laughed at the injustice ever since. postman who waves at me every day and Barbara, from Penyffordd. I’ve had other letters from readers worried about me not getting new knickers from Marks and Spencer. Don’t fret – I’ll wash them through.

Gogglebox is my favourite TV show. I love Giles and Mary because they’re so posh and wonderful together. And I laugh my sides off at Jenny and Lee in Hull. Sophie and Pete from Blackpool are also funny but their language is a bit too much for me.

When I was brought up, people didn’t swear. Jonathan and Robert still don’t in front of me. When I first heard Robert swear during a friendly against Bolton, I was mortified. But Colin said: “Close your ears”. I became used to hearing choice language in football crowds but could never stand hearing people criticise my Robert. When he was young and playing for Crewe, four fans behind me had a go at him for the whole 90 minutes. Colin squeezed my hand and said: “Don’t even think about it,” because he knew I wanted to tell them off. But while I listened, I boiled.

Then Robbie scored the most marvellous winning goal. The fans cheered like mad. I turned round and said: “I’m glad you’re cheering because all you’ve done is slag him off.” They said, “Who do you think you are?” I said: “I’m his mother.”