Dear Coleen

HE WON’T OPEN UP TO ME ABOUT AFFAIR

I found out my husband was having an affair. He ended it and we agreed to try to move past what happened and save our marriage.

We have two young kids, but they’re not the reason I agreed to stay with him – I still love him and want to make it work for myself.

I had some online counselling on my own, which helped, but I know I really need to talk to him about the affair.

The trouble is, he won’t open up about it – he always tries to move the conversation on quickly, apologising and saying it was a stupid mistake and he regrets it. It’s just not enough, though.

I’m trying, but I’m finding it hard – any ideas?

Coleen says

I agree – you can’t just say sorry and move on. It’s not that easy I’m afraid. Unless your husband can allow himself to be vulnerable enough to talk honestly about what happened and why it happened, then it’s going to be hard for you to move on and for you to start to trust him again. If he can’t talk about why he had an affair, it’s likely it could happen again.

You need to know what the problems are before you can solve them.

I really think relationship therapy with both of you would be a good idea. It might actually be easier for him to open up in a professional set-up where he’s, in effect, explaining to someone else with you in the room.

He’s probably carrying a lot of guilt and he may be worried about hurting you with the truth.

I think it could help to be in a setting that has boundaries and with support and guidance from a therapist. Have a look at relate.org.uk which may be useful.