Dear Coleen

I’m a married man with two kids and a wonderful wife. My issue goes back to when we married 20 years ago. When we were newly married, I focused more on my mother and sister than my wife and, as a result, she felt very much left out.

She was hurt badly at that time and I made a mistake by striking up a relationship with my mother again without my wife’s knowledge.

This was two years ago and since she found out she’s been very angry with me. She says my mother has “won” and she’s “lost” and a lot more besides.

My wife also suffered a serious illness, which she recovered from, but it really affected her. Now she tells me she considers me to be a helper, someone to take care of her and the kids, and would have divorced me if she hadn’t got sick. She can be very negative and depressing.

Whenever I speak to my mother it affects my wife deeply and for the next few days she just keeps hammering me. This is getting to me and I really don’t know what to do. I’d like to have a discussion with my mother about all of this, but I’m worried if I do it behind my wife’s back and she finds out, it’ll be another major issue.

Coleen says

I’m struggling to work out why your wife has turned this into such a huge issue, talking of winners and losers, and why she’s so angry. She’s holding a grudge from 20 years ago and it sounds like she’s forced you into making a choice between her and your mum.

It shouldn’t be an all-or-nothing situation. We don’t all get on brilliantly with our in-laws, but there has to be room for compromise.

She sounds terribly insecure and terrified that you love your mum more than you love her. But it’s a different type of relationship and there should be room for both.

I think it’s totally unreasonable that she expects you not to see your mum – even if she doesn’t want to see her, she shouldn’t stop you from having a relationship with her.

You shouldn’t have to hide the fact that you speak to your own mum and I wonder if this also means your kids don’t have a relationship with their grandmother? That would be sad.

I think your wife would benefit from counselling, but you can’t make her go. However, I think you need to be stronger when it comes to insisting on seeing your family.

It sounds as if you’ve done most of the giving and she’s done most of the taking over the years, and I think that has to change or you’re going to be very unhappy. You can’t be made to feel guilty all the time and to have your life controlled in this way.

She’s told you she’s only with you to be her helper, which is very hurtful.

I think you deserve better, unless she’s willing to work through the issues in your marriage and listen to what you want with a view to compromising and finding a way forward.

Good luck.

My wife says she considers me a helper to care for her