She doesn’t care that her divorce will damage me

Dear Coleen

I’m a 25-year-old woman and I recently found out that my mum had asked my stepdad to leave the family home and wants to divorce him. He’s heartbroken and still loves my mum, so it’s been really awful for him.

I’m so angry with my mum because she blindsided me with this information – I had no clue she was thinking along these lines and that their marriage was in trouble.

It’s like she doesn’t value the relationship I have with my stepdad, but he’s been living with us since I was 12 and has helped raise me with lots of love.

We’ve always got on great and, in fact, I’m closer to him than I am to my ‘real’ dad. So for my mum to just ignore my feelings over this feels really cruel.

As if that wasn’t enough, my younger sister told me Mum’s been on dating apps and talking to one guy in particular. Seriously, my stepdad only left the house a couple of weeks ago!

She’s acting like a teenager and doesn’t seem to care who she hurts in the process. Can you offer any advice?

Coleen says

You feel angry because your mum has broken your family up and you didn’t see it coming, so you’re in shock, too. The situation might also be triggering painful emotions from when your father left the family home when you were a child.

I know it’s difficult, but your mum has made her decision and I’m sure she had her reasons. We don’t really know what goes on in a couple’s relationship and you have to leave it up to your mum and stepdad to work through things together.

I think it would help to attempt a conversation with your mum to get some answers, and it’s OK to admit the way you found out felt insensitive because you love him and he’s been a father to you for 13 years.

You can be a good support to your stepdad, so pull out the stops to be there for him.

The two of you can still maintain your wonderful relationship independently of your mum. He can remain an important person in your life.

As for your mum using dating apps so soon – it might be a knee- jerk reaction to the break-up. I’d stay out of it and focus on your stepdad.

I love my stepdad, he’s raised me since I was 12