Let’s do this together YOUR

All is quieter on The Dark Lord front since she got 40% in her last English test, which equates to roughly the amount of time she spends listening to any of her teachers online.

And of course, for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, so while she got a D in English because she was gaming during homeschool, she’s become a straight A student at Minecraft.

“But I’m a Player of Game, Mum – a POG. Do you even know what that means?” she whined, trying to baffle me with gaming nonsense to take the heat off her crappy test mark.

“Yes, it means you’re going to be a 25-year-old virgin who hasn’t left his bedroom in 20 years when you grow up,” I replied.

If she’d been her normal bolshy self that would have been the start of another mother-daughter ding-dong and more doors would have been slammed. But I’m trying to use passive-aggressive parenting techniques on Jesse in the hope of taking the heat out of our rows.

“Anyway, let’s just put that behind us now,” I asked, trying hard not to sound condescending… and failing. “How do you feel about not doing your best in class?”

She tried to look a bit shamefaced and mumbled: “Not good.”

I did the patronising head tilt that I’ve seen many teachers use, and asked pointedly, “And what are you going to do about it?”

She dropped her shoulders and did her “sad child” impression, saying: “I’m not going to use Minecraft during the day.”

I grabbed some papers off my desk, shuffled them together and banged them down on the table triumphantly.

“Ha! I know you’re not, you big faker,” I said gleefully. “Because your aunt’s techie boyfriend Martin came over yesterday and installed a screen time cap on your devices. Minecraft will only work between 6pm and 8pm during the week now. Mwahahaha!”

If only you could have seen her face.

■ Email me at siobhan.mcnally@mirror.co.uk or write to Community Corner, PO Box 791, Winchester SO23 3RP.

Yours, Siobhan