He stole £75k, but is it time to forgive our son-in-law?

It’s taken me two years to write this letter and I hope you can help me to resolve the awful position my husband and I find ourselves in.

My eldest daughter found out two years ago that her husband had been using her bank card without her permission and had spent £75,000 of her money, £25,000 of which she was saving for her two grown-up children.

The money had come from the sale of her house, following a divorce.

We swore we would never forgive her husband but, over time, she has forgiven him and is trying to carry on as normal. My problem is that I feel we can no longer ignore him because it’s so upsetting for my daughter when he’s not invited along to family gatherings.

I’ve had a conversation with my younger daughter and her husband, but they are both still adamant that they will never accept him back into the family. In fact, they wanted to report him to the police at the time.

My argument is that if my daughter can forgive him, why can’t they? I should add that he paid back all the money from his redundancy payment, but it means they now have no financial security for their future.

I’d love your opinion.

Coleen says

I’m sure it feels good, after two years, to get this all down on paper. It’s a very difficult situation and I understand all of you feeling angry and protective of your daughter. I also think it’s incredible you can see the bigger picture and be willing to have him at family events for the sake of her.

However, I don’t think you can force your other daughter and her husband to go along with it.

It may help to have an honest conversation with your son-in-law and explain you’re still deeply hurt by what he did and you’ll never forget it, but you can cope with seeing him again if it means so much to your daughter. Then he knows where he stands.

He did pay back the money and perhaps if you do open up a conversation, he’ll explain why he stole in the first place. I wonder if he was in debt or had a gambling addiction that she knew nothing about? Maybe he was in a desperate situation?

I’m not condoning what he did but there’s always a reason behind why people do this kind of thing.

You might have to accept that your younger daughter won’t get involved, but perhaps if you take the lead, she’ll come round at some point, so you can all be together for important events.

Finally, I’d advise your daughter to keep on top of her banking and have a separate account. Just in case.

She has forgiven him and is trying to carry on