Hubby wants to separate as our marriage ‘is not for him’

My husband and I were together for 10 years before we got married five years ago, and we now have two very young children. I was the one who was always reluctant to get married, not because I didn’t love him, but the whole wedding thing just never appealed to me, plus I was young and working hard in a job I loved. I guess it wasn’t a priority for me.

However, he proposed on a weekend away and I said yes, but on the condition that when we got married it would be just the two of us and then we could throw a party later.

That’s what we did and I actually surprised myself by loving being married and wished I’d done it sooner.

Anyway, five years and two kids down the line, he’s decided “it’s not for him any more” and wants us to separate, although not take the step of divorce yet.

I was absolutely floored and devastated – it came out of the blue.

He says no one else is involved, but that he just doesn’t feel the same about us any more. I don’t know whether it’s the stress of parenthood or turning 40, but it feels like he’s having some sort of crisis. Can you help?

Well, it could be both those things – turning 40 can be a big deal for some people, making them reassess what they want and, as we all know, having young children can put a huge strain on any relationship and it leaves little time for romance.

He’s not asking for a divorce, which suggests to me that he’s not sure about ending things permanently, but he knows he’s not happy.

A trial separation could help to bring you back together – he might miss you and have time to reflect on the relationship and ways to improve it.

I wonder if he’d agree to counselling during the separation, so you can talk through the issues and see if there’s a way back to each other before you throw in the towel.

You must be feeling so hurt and confused right now so, even if he won’t agree to counselling, I’d suggest going on your own. It really helped me when my first marriage was struggling.

However you decide to take it forward, he owes you more than just “it’s not for me any more”. He needs to give you more to go on than that. Good luck.